Play-Chronautic Fugue in D Minor

A pair of scenes from Chronautic Fugue in D Minor, performed by Hoopy Frood Productions, 2001.

Interlude Two

NARRATOR: I’m sorry. That was too far back, wasn’t it? Yes. That’s the thing with time travel, you’re never quite sure whether you’re coming or going. Perhaps I should explain, hmm? I am the world’s first time traveler, that I know of at any rate. We time travelers are a secretive bunch, or at least I am. (He giggles.) I was in that ill fated time machine. No-one thought it worked. But it did, oh it did. It worked, just not as they had expected. Only one man in the entire world knew the sort of thing I was going through. And he was a fictional character. Rather ironic seeing as how this will probably be marketed as fiction anyway. Ah well.

Scene Three
A Classroom
(There are half a dozen desks, arranged in two rows of three. While all the desks are occupied, only one student is actually awake: GRAHAM, who is now in high school. The teacher, one DR. BOWMAN, stands in front of a equation filled blackboard. His appearance strangely echoes that of the NARRATOR. He is not insane. Eccentric.. perhaps, but not insane.)

BOWMAN: Let us, for the moment, assume that time travel is possible. It doesn’t really matter how, it is just a given. Okay? Okay. Now, if we want to change historical events, there two theories as to what would happen if we did. Anyone know what they are?

(GRAHAM raises his hand.)

GRAHAM: Um, the Multiverse theory?

BOWMAN: Very good, (he looks at the role sheet) uh, Graham? Do you know the other?

GRAHAM: No.

BOWMAN: That’s alright. Anyone else? (Pause. Someone in the back snores.) I’ll take that as a ‘no’, then? The other is the self perpetuating timeline theory. Let’s start with that. This theory basically states that the timeline is basically predestined and you cannot do anything to change it drastically. For instance, that old classic about killing Hitler. If you succeed, when you return to your subjective present, you will have found that some chap named Rudi Gloder ran the Third Reich and did the exact same things as Hitler. The other, and far more interesting, theory is that of the Multiverse. For every choice we make, there is another, alternate universe in which you chose the other option. Now, the change might range from having cereal for breakfast instead of toast or it might be that you turn left instead of right and wind up becoming a mafia hitman. The very first alternate universe, as theorized, is one in which God woke up on the First Day and said to himself, ‘Sod this creation garbage, I’m going back to bed.’

GRAHAM: With all due respect, sir, this isn’t a new theory.

BOWMAN: I never said it was. Do you know how it relates to time travel?

GRAHAM: Never gave it much thought.

BOWMAN: Yes, well, with this theory, if you change the past, it actually has an impact on the future. Just not your personal future. The moment you make that change, an alternate timeline springs up and when you return to your subjective present, it will be that of the alternate timeline.

GRAHAM: Would there be a way to cross back into your original timeline?

BOWMAN: What? By reversing the polarity of the neutron flow or some such? Possibly, but what would be the point? The change you made in the past wouldn’t apply to that timestream.

GRAHAM: But wouldn’t it just be enough to know that you made someone else’s life better?

BOWMAN: But is it? Really? Is it up to you to decide what is good and bad about the past? Do you have the right to play about in alternate happenings? Can you really say that this timeline you created is better than the original?

GRAHAM: I…I can’t sir. I don’t think anyone can.

BOWMAN: Some can and some can’t, and if you can’t, you shouldn’t be playing around with time. So then, if there is no point in changing the past, or indeed, the future, since the same laws apply, why should we bother? The answer is simple: exploration. Exploration drives the human spirit. It’s 1970. We’ve been to the moon twice and it’s already becoming passé. More Americans tuned in to your Super Bowl thing than to see Neil Armstrong land on the moon. Do you think we’re going to keep going to the moon and finally on to Mars and beyond? At this rate we aren’t. The taxpayers say to themselves, ‘We’re paying a billion dollars a rocket for something we’ve already done. Why should we bother to continue this?’ But what they don’t truly realize is that we’re expanding the limits of known territory. A hundred years ago people realized this. Manifest Destiny, they called it. America was going to rule from ‘sea to shining sea.’ It drove people to delve into the undiscovered country and forge new frontiers. Of course, these days, it can’t just be America. That was the Apollo Program’s fundamental flaw. In the end, it was just about beating the Soviets. No, in order to ‘boldly go’, as one TV show put it, we must all go together when we go. But, I digress. Time travel is just another form of exploration. Through it we can unlock the mysteries of the past and the delights of the future. Have you ever wondered how the pyramids were built or if eventually we’ll ride around in little flying cars? With time travel, we can find out.

(A STUDENT wearily raises her head and speaks.)

STUDENT: With all due respect Dr. Bowman, what does this have to do with A Midsummer Night’s Dream?

BOWMAN: Hm?

STUDENT: I know you’re a substitute teacher, and literature probably isn’t your main field of study, but I did sort of expect that we would at least touch upon the subject matter.

BOWMAN: Um, this isn’t Professor Chronotis’ temporal physics class?

STUDENT: There’s no Professor Chronotis at this school.

BOWMAN: So, this isn’t St. Cedd’s College, Cambridge?

STUDENT: This isn’t even England.

BOWMAN: I’d better be off then. Continue whatever it is you’re expected to have been doing. Byeee!

(He exits and the lights go out.)

Play-The Magnificent Adventures of Mothman and Chrysalis

The first scene of The Magnificent Adventures of Mothman and Chrysalis, performed by Hoopy Frood Productions, 2004.

Scene One

The Charity Ball.

(Various socialites mill about the stage.)

ANNOUNCER: The Annual Aparo City Charity Ball always brings out the wealthiest citizens the city has to offer. Including millionaire playboy Drake Anderson and his youthful ward Julie Adams (DRAKE and JULIE are revealed), who are secretly the caped crime fighters Mothman and Chrysalis.

DRAKE: Well, Dixon, it certainly looks like a good turn out this year.

DIXON: Anything’s better than that fiasco we had last year with the Bee-Master.

JULIE: We-I mean-Mothman and Chrysalis sure put the whammy on him, though.

DRAKE: That they did, chum. That they did.

DIXON: If you’ll excuse me.

DRAKE: Of course.

(DIXON approaches a podium, which has been placed UR.)

DIXON: H-hello? Is this thing on? Of course it’s on, I can hear myself over the speakers. Thanks to your generous donations this evening, we’ve raised over fifty million dollars for the Aparo City Orphanarium!

(There is much applause. PIRATE 1 enters wearing an eyepatch on his right eye.)

PIRATE 1: Rrrr.

(PIRATE 2 enters wearing an eyepatch on his left eye.)

PIRATE 2: Rrrr.

(PIRATE 3 enters wearing an eyepatch on his both eyes.)

PIRATE 3: Ssss.

(PIRATES 1 & 2 stare at PIRATE 3 in disbelief.)

PIRATE 1: Rrrr.

PIRATE 2: Rrrr.

PIRATE 3: Oooo. Rrrr.

PIRATES 1 & 2: Yesss.

PIRATES: Rrrr.

DIXON: What is the meaning of this?

PIRATE 1: We be pirates.

PIRATE 2: And this be a hold up.

PIRATE 3: Hand over th’ loot and no one walks th’ plank.

DRAKE: Quickly, Julie.

JULIE: Right.

(DRAKE and JULIE exit rather hurriedly.)

DIXON: You’re pirates.

PIRATES: Aye.

DIXON: Pirates?

PIRATE 1: We needed a gimmick.

PIRATE 2: And we just saw Curse o’ th’ Black Pearl.

PIRATE 3: That Johnny Depp is dreamy.

DIXON: Pirates.

PIRATE 1: Look matey, let me put it another way.

PIRATE RAP

(Sung by all three pirates in four part harmony)

It’s hard to be a pirate in this day and age

But da’ nine t’ five grind feels like we trapped in a cage

So we quit our jobs at th’ local Target

And bought these new clothes from a costume set

We were pirates

We were mean

We were vicious and cruel

But da’ biggest body of water we could find was a pool

Forsakin’ the high seas, we turned to crime

Drinkin’ Coronas with tiny slices o’ lime

We spend our days lookin’ for booty

And once we find our treasure, we’ll look for some cuties

Oh, yeah.

All th’ pirates in th’ house go, “Rrrr.”

So here we end our tale o’ woe and tragedy

How we ditched our jobs and turned t’ piracy

But enough o’ this rap, ‘tis getting hard to rhyme

We’re gonna stop it now because it’s time…to steal

Word

Peace Out

PIRATE 1: Hand over the booty.

(Enter MOTHMAN and CHRYSALIS)

MOTHMAN: I don’t think so, you perfidious, pilfering purveyors of piracy.

CHRYSALIS: You tell ‘em, Mothman!

PIRATE 3: Uh oh, it’s the hooded heroes, Mothman and Chrysalis!

PIRATE 2: Get ‘em.

(A fight ensues between the PIRATES and our heroes. They make quick work of the PIRATES, which is good if you’re a fan of heroics but bad if you like pirates. I, myself, am on the fence about this one.)

DIXON: Thank you, Mothman, Chrysalis. You just saved the Aparo City Orphanarium.

CHRYSALIS: Think nothing of it, citizen.

MOTHMAN: Yes. The real heroes are the ones who raised the money in the first place, like Drake Anderson.

DIXON: (eyeing MOTHMAN) Anderson. Right.

MOTHMAN: Now, if you’ll excuse us.

DIXON: Yes, of course.

MOTHMAN: To the Mothmobile, Chrysalis.

CHRYSALIS: Right, Mothman.

(MOTHMAN and CHRYSALIS exit.)

DIXON: Of all the arrogant sons of….